Tag Archives: funny things kids say

Logic bites

29 Oct

I love vampire stories. Movies, books, TV shows? Love ‘em all, ever since I was a kid–except the last two seasons of True Blood; I do have some standards.

When I learned NBC has revamped Dracula and topped it off with Jonathan Rhys Meyers, I was all in. My daughter and I tuned in last Friday and watched Drac’ nom on one lovely lady after another, causing daughter to observe, “If he only bites the pretty girls, pretty soon there will be nothing left but the ugly ones.”

131024_TV_DraculaNBC.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlarge

Note to publicists: pictures of vampires quietly downing a scotch/brandy/whatever non-blood liquid that is, are not sexy. Photo: NBC

Fashionably late?

23 May

Ordinarily I post the funny things my kids have said on Tuesday, but I have a legitimate reason for not posting on Tuesday. I washed my cell phone on Monday, in the washing machine. Not on purpose. Actually, I washed my running skirt (post to come some day about running skirts) and the cell phone was neatly tucked away in a zippered pocket. Even letting it rest and dry out did not help, but the light show when I turned it on? Psychedelic, baby!

I spent Tuesday trying to get AT&T to put my son, my daughter and I on my husband’s account. I now hate AT&T. Verizon wanted to keep me so I got an iPhone, better cable service and cheaper landline. They even sent me a thank you note! I am so easily pleased.

I realize I owe none of you an excuse for not posting on my own blog ’cause “it’s my blog and I should only post when the muse moves me and blah, blah, blah.” But, I was raised by a Southern woman; I will apologize if you stub your toe.

On to the funny bit.

My daughter changed her clothes after school then stood in my office door and asked, “Mommy, does it look like fashion threw up on me?”

You be the judge:

IMG_2051

 

Tellin’ it like it is

7 May

From the back seat of the car came this dialogue:

My son, to his sister: You’re an ungrateful little brat!

My daughter: So are you!

My son: No. I’m an ungrateful big brat.

Play ball!

30 Apr
soccer player

Photo: Nike

Last night, one of my first graders looked up at me with his huge warm eyes and said, “Miss Janice, I was tricked today.”

“Oh,” I said, “How were you tricked?”

“Some other boys were talking about balls and they were telling me to talk about balls, too.  And so I told them that I like balls and they laughed.”

He hesitated. I thought he might cry.

“And then I found out they weren’t talking about soccer balls. They were talking about private balls.”

 

Fifty Shades of Cleaning

23 Apr

A little background: I love cookbooks; I read them like novels.

 

I have a guilty secret. Well, it’s not that big of a secret. We have cleaning ladies; they aren’t particularly good. Now, you probably know that money’s pretty tight around here, so you may rightly ask, “Why do you have cleaning ladies, Janice? Particularly ones that don’t do a very good job?”

We have cleaning ladies because we are wimps and our son reminds us on a regular basis. The head cleaning lady has worked for us more than 17 years. She is old, she is sad, her health is poor, her daughter has cancer. Neither my husband nor I can bring ourselves to fire her.

Occasionally, I will decide I am a heartless beast and our family budget is more important. Invariably, that will be the day she tells me her daughter has had a relapse, or she herself has diabetes, or her granddaughter–who has no health insurance–has been passing the same gall stone for 11 months.*

Still, our son insists she must be fired. His latest gambit is that we, the family, can do a better job than she does. He is right, of course.

“But,” I said, “when you say ‘we can do a better job’, you are actually saying ‘Mom can do a better job’.”

“We can clean the house,” he insisted.

“You won’t do a good job,” I countered.

“So, you’ll supervise,” he said. “You can sit there on the couch with your tea and read Fifty Shades of Cooking while we do all the work.”

 

* These are all true. . .I think.

 

Pants on fire

16 Apr

PantsOnFireTwo bits of background are necessary for today’s entry in “my kids say the darnedest things.” I regularly lose my glasses. I don’t need them to read, so take them off any time reading is required. So, I find them in the kitchen, the bathroom, on my nightstand, in the key bowl. Really, just about anywhere in the house.

At the same time, my daughter has developed a penchant for fooling us by telling blatant untruths. Things like, “Mommy, I failed math this semester.” I am rather gullible and frequently fall for her foolery.

About two weeks ago, I was on yet another hunt for my eye wear. Exasperated at my failed attempts, I asked my family for help.

“Have you seen my glasses?” I asked.

“Geez, Mom,” my daughter replied, “they’re on top of your head!”

“Really?” I asked my husband, and reached for the top of my head.

“Don’t listen to her!” was his response. “She’s a liar!”

What would Buddha do?

9 Apr

IMG_1358My son and I were watching TV. A commercial came on that my son found funny, in a bad way. He made a derisive comment, then caught himself.

“I guess I shouldn’t make fun of a commercial about cancer,” he said.

“Pretty bad karma, I’d say,” I said.

“What would you know about karma?” was his reply, followed by, “Oh. Right. . .you’re a Buddhist.”

Birds, Bees, Beer

19 Mar

images-6My daughter’s been learning the facts of life at school lately. Naturally, she’s had lots of questions, most of them about the workings of male-female relationships.

“Mom,” she asked me. “What happens when a man and a woman get married?”

Before I could answer, my son jumped in.

“When a man and a woman love each other very much,” he said, “they get married and then the man can’t have beer with his friends anymore.”

My kids say funny stuff, too (I’ve lost count)

26 Feb

My poor husband. He is frequently the butt of family jokes, particularly from my son and I. I’d like to say he’s laughing with us, but really, he’s not. Generally, he’s a pretty good sport. Every now and then, though, he’ll let us know he’s had enough. So, we’ve been trying to be more careful of his feelings, but still . . .

On a recent car trip, my daughter and I were tweaking Dad. He was being very patient, but I could tell we were getting under his skin.

“Aw, honey,” I said, intending to tell him we wouldn’t tease him if we didn’t love him, “We only tease you . . .”

“Because it’s fun!” said my daughter from the back seat.

My son said something funny I can write about!

12 Feb

 

 

I’ve said numerous times that my son’s sense of humor is so obscene that I can’t write most of what he says. I attempt to keep my blog relatively family friendly and he tends to use far too many F-words for print. A while ago, though, he uttered the following gem.

My daughter and her friend were in the back seat, singing along to a favorite song. It was something kind of Selena Gomez-ish or maybe it was Call Me Maybe. Regardless, they were young girls and sang in those screechingly high, thin voices that make even in-tune singing painful to hear. The girls were not singing in tune. It wasn’t bothering me as I will accept just about any sound that isn’t whining. My son, however, is a musician.

“My god, Mom,” he said, “It sounds like somebody’s grabbed a camel by the testicles!”

 

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