17 Sep

Today, I went to court. Everyone told me I should go to court. That I should plead “Not Guilty” to the charge of rear-ending a Jetta. Actually, I was charged with “improper acceleration,” which is police-speak for rear-ending a Jetta.
The man who owns the Jetta I allegedly improperly accelerated into called me to tell me he had no intention of going to court. He said the police officer told him he had no intention of going to court, either. He told me to go to court and the case would be dismissed.

Having never been the alleged cause of an improper acceleration before, I had no idea what one was supposed to do. So, I did the sensible thing: I asked my therapist. She told me to go to court. I asked what I should plead. She said, “Not Guilty.”

So, I decided I would go to court. We can’t really afford the fine and I had the time. Then, for weeks, my mind twisted in the wind as I struggled with the idea of saying “Not Guilty” to a judge (I mean, really, A JUDGE!!!) when I knew it was me that improperly accelerated into the Jetta.

Today was the court date. Last night I didn’t sleep, worried about how exactly the karmic retribution would manifest itself.

I got to court. I waited my turn, sweating and sickening as I pondered saying, “Not Guilty.” I was called before the judge, who asked me to turn to face the court as a clerk asked for witnesses to my disgusting action. None appeared. I turned back to the judge who said, “They are dismissing the charges; you are free to go. Have a nice day.”

I left. I’m trying to have a nice day while I worry about the karmic retribution I’ll suffer for even pondering perfidy.

15 Responses to “Dismissed!”

  1. Madame Weebles September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am #

    Hooray! And this might be the first time I’ve ever seen the word “perfidy” in a blog post.

    • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

      I am a massive nerd. I will never reach the cool factor of yourself and/or Le Clown. I’m only happy that y’all put up with my use of nerd words.

      • Madame Weebles September 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

        Please, woman, I’ve been a nerd since day one. I was an editor for ages. I always love the use of an uncommon word. I get happy when peope use semi-colons correctly, for crying out loud. So you’re A-OK in my book!

      • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

        Thank you! I, too, love it when I see a semi-colon used correctly and love even more that I get to teach a whole generation of kids how to do it.

  2. societyred September 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    Karmic retribution is absent in a courtroom; courtroom justice is often unbalanced. Whether or not I used that semi-colon correctly, I don’t think you have anything to worry about karma-wise…unless you “improperly accelerated” on purpose…and shouldn’t it have been called “improper braking” instead? Congrats on sticking it to the man!

    • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      Courtroom justice is weird. You did use the semicolon correctly. Therefore, there is balance in the world. Thanks!

  3. kelloggs77 September 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    I’m diggin’ all this talk of semicolons just as much as the post. Justice for the semicolon!

    • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

      The semicolon is the holy grail of grammar. When I coach adults, I don’t allow them to use the semicolon at first. It’s far too powerful and mystical a tool to be tossed about lightly.

      • kelloggs77 September 18, 2012 at 11:33 am #

        It’s all making sense now. I knew there was a reason I felt this weirdly deep connection to you; it stems from a respect for the semicolon.

  4. Le Clown September 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    Can’t believe I’m writing on a felon’s blog! I am SO cool by association. I don’t care if you’re not guilty, you’re cooler than that other felon guy Dexter.
    Le Clown

    • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

      Oh, swoon. Le Clown thinks I’m cooler than Dexter, whom I have never seen, so I am going to have to take the word of a clown. I have to go do something illegal now.

      • Le Clown September 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

        Illegally speed in a cop car. Call me from jail.
        Le Clown

  5. nevercontrary September 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

    You make judges tremble in your presence. Quite impressive.

    • jmlindy422 September 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

      Not only do they tremble…they wish me a nice day while trembling!

  6. Jim September 18, 2012 at 11:33 am #

    Relax. This is how the system is set up. I got nailed for speeding in a school zone once. The cop suggested without quite saying so that if I went to court over the ticket, he wouldn’t show. So I went to court, he didn’t show, and it is as if it never happened. I’m unconcerned about my karma. (It should be noted that I don’t make a habit of speeding in school zones.)

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