Would you go back, Jack, and do it again?

7 Aug

If Lincoln hadn’t gone to the theater, he would have been run over by a carriage. Or he would have had a heart attack. Or he might have fallen down the White House staircase and broken his neck. Or something like that.

My husband, a historian, hates speculative chat about history. What difference does it make what might have happened if Lincoln hadn’t gone to the theater? Lincoln went to the theater; he was assassinated. There are no do-overs. Write it in the book and move on.

But, I want a do-over. Actually, I want more than one do-over; I want a lot of do-overs. As my daughter might say, even, I want a lot, a lot, a lot of do-overs.

I’d use a bunch of them this morning. First, I’d do-over my dental situation. I’ve got dental dominoes going on in my mouth. My front crown fell out recently, bringing down with it a whole range of dental woes, from yellowing to molar rot.

One of the indignities of aging that rarely gets mentioned is teeth. You hear about hot flashes, back pains, creaking joints, heart attacks, weight gain, gray hair, sagging chins, drooping butts. But no one ever told me that I’d be sitting at my computer, flossing while catching up on blog reading, and my tooth would fall out. Just fall out and plink right onto my laptop.

Certain dental work can be delayed, like repairing molars. Heck, I figured, I’ve got more than one and it’s not like I’m eating caramels every day. Filling the 22 cavities in my 9-year-old daughter’s mouth seemed far more pressing a year ago. So, my molars waited. But a crown. . . now that can’t wait.

A crown can be a lovely thing and mine served me well. Beneath the crown, though, is a stump that looks like something cooked up by a British Hillbilly dentist on crack. Money be damned, I could not—would not—go around looking like Austin Powers.

Replacing the crown is going to be far more involved than I suspected. First, the surrounding teeth need to be bleached because I’ve spent years drinking coffee, tea, cola and all the other things that keep me awake for the glory that is my life. Apparently, they don’t make crowns in the yellowish ivory hue my teeth have taken on. So, bleach. Which leads to bleach trays. Which leads to this morning’s appointment.

Preparing for the dentist required blow-drying my hair. My hair, which I affectionately refer to as “frog fur,” is fine. And flat. So, I bend over and dry it from the roots believing that this will magically make my hair fuller. I bent over, began drying and then screamed with pain as my back fell apart, perhaps in sympathy with my tooth. When the pain subsided, I stood up and decided that a half-head of volume was better than no volume at all.

With my half-full head and broken back, I hobbled to the hall closet for my purse. No purse. Everywhere in the house? No purse. So much no purse that I decided my purse must have shrunken and was now so small that my dog ate it. Then I decided my children were no longer content to drive me crazy figuratively and had invented a new game: Gaslighting Mommy, which involves hiding things Mommy frequently needs, like glasses, car keys and her wallet. I called around. No purse at Whole Foods. No purse with husband at his office, as if he suddenly decided he needed a lavender and white man-bag. No purse in my son’s or daughter’s rooms, though I was too afraid to move anything for fear something frightening might be under them.

So, I called the dentist to reschedule my appointment. Then I found the purse. In the garage. I know how it got there; I’m not telling.

Then the dentist called. They were worried about me. I decided it was nicer to have someone worry about me than to point out that they wouldn’t have been worried if they were checking their messages. We rescheduled.

Finally, all the drama seeped out of the morning and I got over wanting a do-over. I decided the newly discovered down time would be well spent at the library.

I wakened the teenager. We drove to the library. On the way, I rear-ended a Jetta.

 

Have you ever wanted a do-over? What would you use it on?

PS. I attempted to download a photo of a lovely woman with terrible teeth to accompany this post. My computer crashed three times.

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17 Responses to “Would you go back, Jack, and do it again?”

  1. keynoncoaching August 7, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    OMG! Thanks for the laugh. I needed that…..sorry that it is at your expense but it sure is nice to know that other’s lives implode a bit at times too…… Just as long as those days don’t become Groundhog Day I guess we can deal! Tomorrow has to be better! Maybe that laugh will be the cure to my cold sore from h*#! that has been living with me for 6 weeks now! Good luck with the dental work and the back!

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

      Well, there’s ibuprofen for the back, so that’s feeling better. The car is still a mess but my dad’s in a nursing home and we haven’t sold his car yet so I can borrow that. My husband isn’t mad, just anxious about money, but I picked up a few more hours at work. My son, in the car with me, is fine as are the kids who were in the car I hit. So, not a total loss. Thanks for the good wishes.

  2. philosophermouseofthehedge August 7, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    Yes, do overs! Fun! (maybe the purse had a feeling and was trying to save itself?)

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

      Ha ha! The purse was hiding from me!

  3. Jim August 7, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    Wow, that’s a day for the record books. You’ve earned a nearly flawless rest of your week.

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

      From your lips….crossing my fingers that you are able to influence karma.

  4. Madame Weebles August 7, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

    I agree that you should have a do-over for today. No fair hogging all the rotten luck for yourself.

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

      You can have all the bad luck you want, Madame! I’ll gladly share.

  5. The Waiting August 7, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    I want to smack people when they say that, given the chance, they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives and that they’d never take a do-over if they were given one. What magical lives they must lead. If I could get a do-over, I’d have looked harder for a better apartment than the one we live in now. If I got a second do-over, I’d give it to you because judging by your morning, you earned it.

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

      Ah, the apartment shopping thing. Hated it! BUT, you can be thankful that you didn’t BUY the place. Surely, you’ve learned something for when you buy your first house. And thank you for sharing your do-over.

  6. dinnerversions August 7, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    Wow. I’d give you a do-over if I could. I think you’ve met your quota for the year. On the upside, it should be smooth sailing from now on!

    • jmlindy422 August 7, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

      Thank you, dinnerversions. I’m hoping the cosmos are paying attention. I should probably start entering contests and giveaways. Maybe buy a lottery ticket…

  7. twistingthreads August 8, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    I admit, at first I thought this was going to be about the weird Lincoln movie I keep seeing trailers for. I can’t even find the words. What on earth is going on there? Am I supposed to be okay with such a serious historical revision? Will today’s children grow up thinking about Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter instead of Abraham Lincoln Civil War? Is it art or just disturbing?

    Off topic. Sorry.

    I don’t know why people don’t think about the tooth thing as much as other aging; grey hair, wrinkles, and sagging are pretty aesthetic woes compared to the realization that without modern dentistry and toothpaste most of us would be drinking our food by the time we were forty.

    Rough day! If only there were do overs, but at least things usually get better…(cue Eeyore voice) for other people. That means you, right?

    • jmlindy422 August 8, 2012 at 8:09 am #

      Oh. My. God. Last night, after my terrible day, I went to work and discovered my fifth grade students had no idea what the Gettysburg Address was, who delivered it or why. They couldn’t even place Gettysburg in history. One said it was a WWII battle. I nearly cried.

      Thanks for the good wishes from Eeyore, who I love!

  8. Mad Queen Linda August 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    I’m with your husband on the history thing, and I saw the Lincoln vampire move. Nice cinematography at least. And, IMHO, it seems like they could match your current tooth color w/o all that bleaching.

    If I could have a do over, I would never have said to my husband, “Let’s just go. What’s keeping us here?” And I can at last just think that phrase without dissolving into tears, which is significant progress.

    Enjoy all the novacaine you can get them to give you. Laughing gas, too. Why not?

    • jmlindy422 August 8, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

      Oh, so sorry about regretting your impetuous move. Novocaine might be fun, certainly laughing gas will, but I’m looking forward to the stuff they give you to take at home! And I’m not talking about a toothbrush and toothpaste.

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