Rants, Raves and Pie

29 Mar

I’ve been told I’m intimidating and frankly, I’ve never understood it. I’m tiny, no more than 5’ 3” tall. I am fine-boned and thin in most places. I am, as they say, petite. But apparently, in speaking my mind, I am the mouse that roars. Maybe it’s my inner sense of confidence about my beliefs that makes them come out sounding like proclamations. I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I believe, so I suppose it’s natural that I’m convinced I know what’s best—and worst—for the world. Here, for your edification, are my latest edicts.

Shirtless guys! Heads up! The only man who looks good running shirtless is Zac Efron. You are not Zac Efron. Put your shirt back on. I don’t want to see my middle jiggle, let alone yours. In fact, seeing your pizza dough bouncing up and down is as distracting as Zac Efron shirtless.

Instead of running shirtless get a pedicure and run barefoot. Frankly, I’d rather look at your shoeless feet than your shirtless form. If you must display your body, make it your primped piggies.

Facebook posters: stop putting words in quotation marks unless you are referring to something someone said or to a specific word. I don’t know what you mean when you write that the Tea Party cited “costs” for Obamacare at a much higher rate than the President. If you intended, as you say, to indicate that you are skeptical about what was actually considered in the cost estimate, then you failed. Pretend I have no idea what you were trying to say, because I have no idea what you were trying to say.

Here’s a thought, have a Mexican Coke before you hit the reply button. Savor the good, old-fashioned taste of a cola beverage made with sugar—real sugar—the kind of stuff they make out of sugar cane. No high fructose corn syrup, no fake sweetener. Just Coke made the way it should be. While you’re sipping on your soda, ponder a more accurate way of getting your thoughts in words.

Son! I don’t have to tell you to have Mexican Coke. You’re addicted to the stuff so much so, in fact, that you feel I owe you a case every month. Never mind that I pay for music lessons to the tune of $200 each month. Never mind that more than $350 dollars is marching out of my checkbook in the next two months so you can join the marching band. And let’s just forget that driver’s ed will drive away with nearly $400 this summer. It’s not enough. No, now you want percussion lessons and a second car.

It’s all for my benefit, though, he assures me. The percussion lessons will get him into college (huh?) and he’ll drive his sister to gymnastics if he has a car. I used to think Alec Baldwin was a monster for calling his teenage daughter a “selfish, little pig.” Now I believe he may have been holding back.

Daughter! You can make your own breakfast. I assure you, it isn’t hard. Back in my time, as my son would say, I made my own breakfast when I was ten. Or my sister made my breakfast. I can’t be sure. I don’t remember back that far because, as my son would say, that’s a very long time ago. Still, my mother wasn’t making my breakfast. I’m sure that, like all things in my home, my daughter’s inability to make her own breakfast is my fault. I’ve made the breakfasts up until now, of course. But things are gonna change. From now on, you can pour your own cereal, heat up your own cinnamon buns and get your own juice. And then you can carry the barely-eaten food to the sink and throw it away yourself. I mean it!

Husband! When a child says, “Dad, hypothetically, if I (insert terrible teenage thing to do), what would happen?” the child is not speaking hypothetically. There is no “hypothetical.” There is only, “Dad, I did this really stupid thing and I’m afraid to admit it because I’m really unsure of how you’re going to react.” Further, husband, when son presents you with a hypothetical situation involving terrible teenage things, you should immediately report said situation to me.

Oh! More on Facebook posting! Stop it with the “Post this if you support whatever-the-cause-of-the-day-is.” Posting something on my wall doesn’t do a thing for whatever the cause is, especially if it’s something like breast cancer or child abuse. Do you really think there is anyone alive who doesn’t think children get abused or that child abuse is a terrible thing? If you really want to post something in support of your favorite cause, write a check, put it in an envelope with a stamp on it and post that.

Finally, when life has you down, there is nothing better to do than eat pie.  Say seeing Not Zac Efron running on your local trail has scarred your eyes. Eat pie. You’ll feel better. Say your child is sucking money from you faster than a Dyson. Eat pie. It’s cheaper than therapy. Say your daughter won’t make her own breakfast. Give her pie, then get yourself a piece. Say your husband presents you with some hypothetical teenage situation. Get some pie, real pie, because in life there are no hypothetical teenage situations and there is no hypothetical pie.

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11 Responses to “Rants, Raves and Pie”

  1. keynoncoaching March 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    So, you’re at the stage of feeling like an ATM for your children?? Make that a big piece of pie….and maybe wash it down with a Mexican Coke!

    • jmlindy422 March 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      Mexican Coke and a piece of pie sounds like heaven to me.

  2. nevercontrary March 29, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    Running to get mexican coke and pie right now. Best advice I have gotten in years.

    • jmlindy422 March 29, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

      You can never go wrong with Mexican Coke and pie. And you can get both in mass quantities at Costco!

  3. The Waiting March 29, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    My brother is constantly talking about Mexican Coke being better. I really need to look into this (ie, go to Mexico.)

    The misuse of quotes absolutely kills me too. There is a dance studio in my town with a scrolling marquis, and the individual in charge of updating the sign has a very tenuous grasp on the proper use of quotation marks. Some examples:

    Want to have “fun”? Sign up for tango lessons!

    Dancing is a “great workout!”

    Learning to “waltz” will give you a spring in your step!

    • jmlindy422 March 29, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

      Definitely check out the Mexican Coke. Mexico is best, but here in Chicago it’s not hard. All of the Mexican restaurants carry it. Or should I say, “carry” it. So, go have a Mexican Coke and a “smile.”

  4. philosophermouseofthehedge April 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Mexican coke with real sugar! (the closest place to buy is the fish market here). If you have teenagers, must add ice cream to that pie.
    This part about breakfast is really great: “And then you can carry the barely-eaten food to the sink and throw it away yourself. I mean it!”
    Outstanding!

  5. Mary Rayis April 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    What was that you were saying? I was distracted by the shirtless Zac Efron?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Desperately Seeking Search Terms « Snide Reply - April 12, 2012

    […] well-clothed bunch, except for the pasty, paunchy guy who likes to mow his lawn shirtless. My “only Zac Efron should run shirtless” rule is hereby amended to include “only Zac Efron should mow the lawn shirtless.” Oh! And […]

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