I want my mania back.
Now, if you’re normal, you probably can’t understand why someone with Bipolar Disorder would even contemplate wanting a ride to the top of the roller coaster, particularly when what’s waiting on the other side of the climb is a drop into depression.
Even if you’re Bipolar, you might not understand remembering mania wistfully. Getting deeply in debt, driving drunk or high, having sex with strangers…why would anyone want to live that way? Certainly, I’m in no hurry to return to my wicked, pre-medicated ways, but the life of lethargy I’ve been living lately has seriously outworn its welcome.
A little mania and my house wouldn’t look like, well, like someone was too depressed to straighten. The cleaning ladies are scheduled to come tomorrow, but even that isn’t uplifting. Without straightening, it won’t even look like they came except for the telltale trails of a vacuum cleaner. Add in the fact that we can’t afford the mostly ineffectual crew but don’t have the heart to fire the now 70-year old woman who has been cleaning our home since my son was two and who just lost her retirement savings in a series of ill-advised real estate transactions, and my morose mood is more understandable.
A little mania and I wouldn’t be feeling like a parental failure because my son—who carries my genetic code—barely scraped together the four Cs and an A on his recent report card while my daughter—adopted from China—came home with all As . . .ok, one B+. Sure, my son also had an A in PE, but PE doesn’t count. I know, I know . . .a class focused on activity suits his ADHD brain, PE is an important class in a society full of couch potatoes , an A is an A. Yada, yada, yada. And I know that lots of kids get Cs, even lots of kids we know and lots of kids we know who got into colleges they wanted to go to. Cs aren’t Fs, but that’s the problem. To me, Cs are just Fs with a silent F. Unkind and unfair, I know, and further evidence that I richly deserve the depression I’m in.
A little mania and my creative well wouldn’t have run dry. I’d have posted witty commentary on Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, how I came to love the running skirt, watching my husband writhe in pain. Well, maybe that last one wouldn’t have been witty. I might even have finally figured out how to get my son’s obscene sense of humor featured in a blog with a PG13 rating.
Just a little mania, that’s all I’m looking for here. Of course, there’s no such thing as a little mania. Oh, at first I think there could be, that I can keep the momentum from building out of control. But it always escalates so that what started as a trot through the park turns into a wild gallop and a crashing fall.
So, I took my meds. I let the house be cluttered beyond recognition. I sat my ass down at the computer and I wrote, even though writing was the last thing I thought I could do, and pulled these 600 plus words out of some secret place even I didn’t know existed. Pretty soon, I’ll put on my running gear—it might even be warm enough for a skirt today—then get my ass off the chair and onto the trail. I’ll ignore that the unseasonably warm weather is most likely caused by global climate change which will lead to the early demise of our planet. At least, I’ll try.
I’m sure all of that will help. But I’ll still miss my mania.
Snide Reply 
it’s too bad they can’t figure out a medication or a dosage to let you keep just the an edge of the mania–just enough for some silly cheerfulness to fall into every once in a while! xo
That would be awesome! A mania pill! Oh, wait, I think that’s called cocaine.
Do. not. try. repeat: do. not. try.
Not. To. Worry. Not. To. Worry. (you made me laugh out loud)
Ha!! Your comment just made me laugh that kind of explosive wipe the spit off my monitor laugh.
I’ve been hypomanic — didn’t enjoy it. But everyone who’s had full blown mania misses it A LOT when it’s gone. I hope you can find some relief from the depression and get to a place where life is okay enough, and from there get the energy you need to handle daily life all right.
Thanks! Soon after I published, I checked email and found that this post has been Freshly Pressed. That gave me a lift!
I was going to say that you need to find something that gives you a natural boost of happy, but I think the universe just rewarded you for being so honest and gave it to you with the big boost a Freshly Pressed button gives. Congrats!!
Still, for tomorrow and the next day, please consider acting like someone going through a break-up (you’re breaking up with your former self, really), and exploring many new options until you find something that works for you. Things like going to see natural or manmade beauty, a new type of exercise, a new topic you want to research and explore – anything that helps you grow :).
Woohoo!
Thanks for your kind words, cythereandreams. I did go out and run. I am fortunate to live about four blocks from acres of prairie preserve that includes a song bird sanctuary. I have some of my calmest, most perfect moments there. I like the idea of treating myself like someone going through a break up. Does that mean I can eat a pint of Haagen Daz in bed???
Even though I’m not bipolar, I think I know how you’re feeling. It was last week or so that I wrote about not worrying as much about all the ifs in my life, and since then I’ve become uncomfortable with being comfortable. I don’t know what to do with myself when things are easy and calm. I think I’ll go for a run too. Oh, who am I kidding? And where are the Cheez-Nips? xxoo
My son ate all the Cheez-Nips. Can’t keep junk food in the house with a teenage boy. I’m beginning to think I hate January and this psycho good weather isn’t making it easier. It just makes me think the planet is going to melt next week. Hang in there and I’ll hang with you.
I think it is totally reasonable to miss the mania. Especially the care free bit of it. Maybe in the next life we will have it all figure out.
Wouldn’t that be great? We could give Taylor Swift a little hit of mania and maybe she’d stop writing songs about breaking up with people.
No kidding.
I understand completely where you are coming from, though for me there was never any such thing as a “little” mania. What finally got me to the point of never wanting it back was that I no longer got euphoric manias, they were always dysphoric, and of course plummeted me into depression. I don’t wish for them anymore, not really, though I have been in your place of wishing for some relief.
Sending you hugs. You wrote, that’s good. That’s a lot. That’s a start.
Thanks, Ruby. I only had euphoric mania in college. That’s when my really high highs were in full gear. The really bad depression hit after I graduated. After my son was born, there were some really dark days and some really productive days, more hypomanic than manic. Still fiddling with medication lately.
Writing helps a lot. I was very scared last week when I just couldn’t seem to do it.
Thanks.
I have been lonely for sun or snow, change in a physical form. I suppose we all need some small shift to create momentum from the mundane.
Ah, the weather. It would be lovely for it to be settled. This up and down (hm……connection?) is making me and my daffodils crazy. They are up and threatening to keep growing. I don’t think I’ll have a good year for the bulbs in my garden. Thanks for commenting.
So glad you found that secret place holding these 600 words. Spring is right around the corner; maybe a little mania is too.
And congrats on making the front page!
Red
Thanks, Red.
I don’t know too much about mania (or bipolar), but it sounds like we all could use a little mania in our lives! Or at least an escape back to the carefree and creative days of childhood!
Cheers to you,
Courtney
Courtney, if only we could have mania in small doses with no depression afterward, but it’s not like that. Thanks for checking in.
I don’t know about mania, but have you tried meditation or hypnosis? I do them both, and they are great mood lifters when you do them.
I have, and do, meditate. I also try to live mindfully. I think recognizing the signs of oncoming depression and/or mania is helpful. But, you’re helpful in reminding me that meditation is so valuable. Thanks!
you’re welcome.
It feels, well… interesting, to find your blog and see that others like me deal with these same exact issues. Meditation is something that has eluded me mostly, because of the super fast rate of thoughts that never subside, even with meds, but lately I have been able to find the gap for a few moments, it was Very Nice! I hope that continued practice will increase my ability to “relax” naturally. I too miss the manias, how nice it was to feel clear, focused, happy, energized, all that, only to find out that it wasn’t cool, that it could lead to dangerous behaviors. But also, sadly, as you said, there is a price to pay for that revved up feeling, and it’s not so attractive when you go there… Good luck to all that deal with this and to the people that deal with us! haha Peace!
I feel so fortunate to be married to a man who lives with me happily. Re: rate of our thoughts and meditation. That “monkey mind” thing is easier for me to handle if I’m doing a guided meditation. There is a really good 3-minute one led by Thich Naht Hahn on BeliefNet. I’ve even gotten my son to do it! Good luck to you, too.
Even though I am not Bipolar, I do better with some kind of drive which you call mania. I do even better when I’m angry. I’ve taken so many actions in anger that I otherwise wouldn’t have taken. If everything is smooth, I do not feel like doing anything. it gets boring or you can say that I m used to drama. Anyhow
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
I would say hypomania is closer to what you’re thinking of than mania. Mania is a really frightening thing and can cause lots of damage. I have a similar reaction to being angry. A good head of steam can get me going. I prune my trees when I’m mad; that way I’ll be sure to cut enough off! Thanks for stopping by.
I think everyone experiences mania in their lives, but of course, all good things must come to and end, and that’s when the so-called, ride down, occurs. I often have my highs and lows as well, but I don’t take any medication for it since I believe in “natural” healing, which means bearing through the pain since brighter days will ALWAYS follow. Anyways, to get out of a funk, I definitely recommend exercise. I work out at the gym regularly and do tai-chi a few times a month. Exercise releases certain endorphins that make for a calm and peaceful frame of mind. And while I’m sure medication works, I’d rather live life fully present rather than being numbed by medication—->just food for thought:) Thanks for posting, and I wish you well.
Thanks, Romantic Asian Guy. You don’t say if you are Bipolar, but mania, in the Bipolar Disorder world, is not really a good thing. They aren’t ordinary highs and lows and many of us who have Bipolar Disorder don’t feel that brighter days will ever follow when we are depressed. I do exercise and it is very helpful, but were are days when I couldn’t get out of bed, let alone get out on the trail. My medication makes it possible and I don’t find it numbs me at all, though I know many other people feel that way.
I’m finding more and more fellow writers with depression and/or bipolar disorder – makes you wonder if the old adage about intelligence and mental illness is true. I have occasional hypomanic episodes (not nearly often enough) and when that happens I spend a pleasant few days getting a lot done. I only had one true full blown manic episode (and it was dysphoric and awful) and I never want to do that again. I was crawling out of my own skin.
I had to look up dysphoria and, damned if I haven’t had that! I had true manic episodes, including one really awesome but disturbing incidence of euphoria. that was more than 30 years ago. In my dotage, I”m tending more toward hypomania. that’s what I miss! Getting a lot done is so calming, isn’t it?
Reblogged this on ARZcreation.com.
I loved reading your post- for its honesty. And it reminded me of a Britney Spears documentary where (since going on medication for being bi-polar) she feels her life is now “too controlled”. Maybe she is experiencing same type of feelings…
I didn’t know Brit had ever come out and admitted to being bipolar. I don’t feel controlled; every decision about my care has been my own. She probably has a LOT of people telling her what to do. I’m not a great big star with lots of people counting on me to pay them. Everyone around her has a vested interest in her mental health. That alone is pretty unhealthy! I have to admit that I have, on occasion, believed it would be an excellent idea to shave my head. Maybe Brit and I do have a thing or two in common.
“and pulled these 600 plus words out of some secret place even I didn’t know existed. Pretty soon, I’ll put on my running gear—i”
Good for you… some of us non-bipolars ought to take note of this. Actually, all of us. I’m more of a chronic depressive. I find my most positive “bursts” of energy come when I just sit down and do something. Even if it’s not a burst, it’s still energy. And, it’s directed to some positive purpose. Like staying alive.That’s all that counts.
Yeah, staying alive counts. Some of my circle don’t understand that staying alive can be a minute by minute committment. Thanks for commenting. I plan on checking out all the wonderful people who’ve commented.
Above the Clouds
Above
the clouds
the sun shines everyday.
Though to me,
things may seem dark and drear,
God sees things in a different way.
On earth, from my perspective,
things may seem dark and drear,
indeed;
But,
above the clouds,
God sees things differently.
Constance V. Walden
http://kingjesusblog.wordpress.com/
I so hear you. There isn’t much to be had between lethargy and blind panic is there?
I wish, I wish! Thanks for coming by.
Mania is AWESOME!!! until it’s not. With mania I can completely gut and reassemble my entire closet from winter to summer. Mania makes it easy and fun to put up holiday decorations, unfortunately it never stays around long enough to take them down.
My daughters love to ‘take mom shopping’ when I’m manic, they are 15 and 13.
I was diagnosed May 2007, and sometimes (a lot of the time) it is still a struggle to find ‘normal’
Hang in there…
I laughed in recognition! My kids say “dad goes to Target for a gallon of milk and comes home with a gallon of milk. Mom goes to Target for a gallon of milk and comes home with a flat screen TV.” BTW, I just took my Christmas tree down about four days ago. Hanging in there with you.
Cheers to you lady for writing/expressing this post. I am not diagnosed with anything but I have an ADHD son and his ADHD father to contend with on a daily basis, so I don’t have a “diagnosis” but I should. Contact highs, I think it is called…
Thanks. Boy, the ADHD kid AND and ADHD husband? That’s alot. My husband believes he has ADHD but he is very good at compensating. You should see someone and get a good diagnosis! Finally having the correct diagnosis has been a life saver for me.
Fresh Press! Fresh Priess! Fresh Press! YAHOO FOR YOU!! (I hope there’s a little mania in it.) I’m not diagnosed anything — I went Mad informally. I have no regrets about leaving my notjob, but I haven’t found a purpose for myself which leaves me wishing for one, and its accompanying energy surge (mania). I understand a tiny bit of what you’re talking about. Hang in!
I hear you, sister. But try to remember that all that grumbling and futzing is the depression talking, not you. If there’s anything I’ve learned about this freaking illness, is that I can’t pay a bit of attention to what my brain tells me. So, the house and the kids may look like disasters now, but you’re looking at them through that black gauze. It’ll shift.
Yup. Those nasty things the brain says. I have found only people with mental illness (wish there were a better word!) understand the negative talk that goes on inside my head. I’m harder on myself than even my therapist can believe! Thanks for coming by.
one of my close friends has bipolar and whilst i am sorry to say she does annoy us sometimes she does seem better on her medication. However as you point out how you yourself are not finding the current mood the medication puts you in i think the same can be said for her, she goes around in a mildly frustrated haze often being deliberately slightly self destructive i think out of pure stubbornness against her medication. We do try to help but it is not so easy when it is not your shoes…`your post helped me and i think i will try and be more sympathetic in the future!
I think it’s really hard for someone who doesn’t have bipolar disorder, or any mental health difference, to understand the bipolar mind. I really doubt your friend is being deliberately self-destructive, but sympathy from her friends can only help. You’re a good friend for trying to understand her.
I soooo relate. Not so much with the mania, but with the depression. Have had it for years, but only realized it when my older son was 5, and I was about to have a nervous breakdown. Sorry you haven’t been able to find that spark within you, that thing that heats you up and takes away the blah. It’s in there somewhere!
Diana Ray
http://www.runninginwater.com
Thanks, Diana. So much of what I find I”m able to do lately is motivated by wanting to be responsive and present to my children. Kids and the nervous breakdown thing are hard to handle. I tell myself that mommy in the psych ward is not something the kids will look back on fondly.
I have watched my father fall to the same twisted fate, and often wondered which I preferred-the drunk manic, or the recluse. I still don’t know. I have also patted myself on the back that I did not inherit his genes- applaud my mother stage one. Or perhaps I have and refuse to acknowledge it.
http://socalmistress.wordpress.com/
an A in PT is outstanding.
🙂
My friend is bi-polar and she always says that when she’s down from her mania she always feels ‘normal’ and she prefers feeling extra-ordinary.
Really, who wouldn’t prefer to feel extraordinary? The down is the hardest part for me and the people around me, except with the mania comes with rage. That one’s tough and why I stay on my meds.
Wrote similar text not so long time ago (http://upwardswirl.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/homo-demotivatus/), reading your post reminded me of the fact that I am not alone in this struggle. Thanks a lot for sharing! I wish you all the best
Thank you. It’s truly calming to know others are in the same boat when so many “normal” people don’t get it and probably never will.
Reblogged this on traceygrabowski and commented:
great post…
Thanks, traceyg. You have an interesting blog. Peace and happiness to you.
Cheers for a wonderful expression! thanks for posting…wish you well….
You’re welcome! And thanks for the good wishes.
I miss it sometimes as well, but I remember every day that those around me will suffer so medicated it is.
Amen. I don’t seem to have the doped-up problem that other have on their meds. My problem is the depression that seems to just not want to go away; that’s probably why I’m wistful about mania.
It must be a great feeling, that mania, when you’re not worrying over the consequences. A shame it must be paired with the underside of the flame. I hope you find that balance some day.
It is a great feeling. Once, I got my whole house clean–the WHOLE house–and still had time to sit and read a book. That’s the upside; the downside is not being able to get out of bed because, “what’s the point?” Yes, balance would be good.
I hear you there. Only, I wish I had all the energy and can-do-it-tive-ness of being manic without the nasty side effects. I’m just coming off a mixed episode myself (hate, hate, HATE mixed episodes) and I feel myself getting way too blue. I’d rather be a little bit manic than just about any other state I experience on the spectrum.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could just be a little manic? Oh, I love that energy but, yes, the come down is way too hard. I don’t think I’ve ever had a mixed episode. Gonna have to look that up. I actually learned something for another comment. I’ve had more than one dysphoric episode. Yippee! Lucky me!
personality meds are tough. i recently stopped taking anti-depressants and it’s freaking me out how crazy I am. I’m most likely getting a new prescription sometime soon…the mania is not worth it 😛
Amen. Adjusting the meds is worth it, but takes time. Still trying to get my perfected.
Reblogged this on writingsofamadwoman and commented:
It was like this was straight from my own mind.
I want to share this article with everyone I know – just so they know how what I went through.
THANK YOU for putting this to words!
I afraid that, even if they read this, some of the people I love still won’t “get” what it’s like to be me.
I could never bring myself to stay on the pills I’ve been prescribed… I think I’m rather addicted to the roller coaster ride.
I wouldn’t mine if the ride didn’t include the drop. The drop is not worth the high. Hope your lows are manageable.
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
I’m bipolar too, A very manic-type, mixed state bipolar. But I’m on a medication regime that works to control the mania AND the depression. It took a looonnnggg time to get this regime. Up to that point I just thought I had to live with the bipolar effects. Now I know that, with the right regime, I can live a decent life. Maybe you need to work on the medications. If your psychiatrist is unwilling to work with you, it’s time to find a better psychiatrist. I’ve had a whole bunch of psychiatrists and I was afraid of all of them. Then one day, I stumbled onto a HUMAN psychiatrist!! He actually cared about me and how I was doing! What a concept!!! I’m going to stick with this one – whom I am not afraid to visit.
robin
I have an awesome psychiatrist. We are fiddling with the meds right now and I’m going to see him Monday for a check-in to see how it’s going. I’m on three meds right now, which is something I never wanted. I also need to get on a regular, sane sleep schedule. That’s hard to do with kids, job, husband, dog, house…ack! Too much!
Thanks for checking in; glad your doing so well!
I don’t think I told you about this post I wrote on having a mental illness
http://robinclaire.wordpress.com/2013/01/22/the-brain-is-an-organ/
robin
That’s the problem with meds! No happy medium…
Regardless, you wrote a great post. Thanks!
Tallulah
http://choosesimplicitydotorg.wordpress.com/
Thanks. Let’s hope for a happy medium anyway.
I miss my mania…oh god I miss my mania. I completely and utterly understand the longing for mania. Sometimes I even miss the drugs and casual sex. The colours, the sounds, the way everything feels – so much better than this thick grey sludge I exist in.
It’s easy to idealise mania and ignore that the depths of depression will be waiting in the wings to drag you back down.
staying a live definitely counts…hang in there
I’m hanging.
I totally understand where you’re coming from; thankfully I rapid cycle though and so I know there will always be an upswing soon. When I get really down like you however,, exercise & getting outside really helps. Try sitting in the sun for 10-15 minutes; that will boost your serotonin levels and give you some energy… going for a walk will certainly help too.
Motivation is certainly challenging and many times I’ve had to just force myself to get off the couch and do something… anything! The worst thing to do is give into it. Keep fighting for yourself and stay positive. Reach out to friends or family who will support & motivate you. Writing is very therapeutic, but it won’t lead to energy. Same with watching tv or being on the computer too much. Sounds like you know what to do though; its just doing it that’s the problem. Hang in there. Stay positive and take it one minute/ one micro-movement at a time. Remember; this too shall pass.
PS: Try drinking some caffeine or products with ginseng; they tend to counteract lethargy. Just make sure its not too much; a little for us can go a long way.
So, I get to drink tea and eat brownies? Hm…maybe depression isn’t so bad (she joked). Actually, you recommended the caffeine; I recommended the brownies and they were GOOD!
Really appreciate your post and glad you were supremely rewarded for it. As a therapist who has encountered many diagnosed bipolar folks, I am aware of the flatness people so often feel when there is an artificial alteration( psychotropic medication) to one’s brain chemistry. Wish I had a great remedy. I do have a suggestion though. Focus on the present, devoid of labels, diagnoses, judgements. There is a magic to living in the moment that is incredibly liberating and healing. Wishing you more joy and freedom to be the best version of you.
Trying to focus on mindfulness . . .and brownies!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You write well – even if you weren’t in the mood when you sat down at the keyboard. And congratulations on being FP’d (and I think we should probably congratulate WP on their FP’ing this post too).
What a lovely compliment! Thank you.
A really wonderful post. Congrats on the FP. 🙂
Thanks. FP certainly is a wild ride. I’m still recovering from the swamp of comments, likes and follows. I know. Poor me.
Ha!
Hello! Just wanted to let you know I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger award. You can find more details at my blog, bipolarbetty2. Thanks for creating a great blog! (And sorry about the informal mass notification, you can delete this comment if you’d like.) Have a great day!
600 words as a trade-off? I’d have to flip a coin 😀
Flip away, Mike!
I have the same “affliction”, as my family calls it. I understand where you’re coming from, though certainly not to the extent – I was never one for black out periods or out-bursts of activity; just deep in my head, so deep that I couldn’t get out.
I enjoyed what you had to say, it made sense and opened my eyes a little.
I hope you get some friendly mania that turns your mouth up a little.
Hey! I hope your family understands. Certain members of mine just don’t get it. My shrink said that those close to us and our families understand, but that means that some people I thought I was close to, well, I’m not really that close to! Not counting on the mania. I’m going to have to struggle up the motivation mountain myself. BTW, are you really a witch? I’m going to have to check out your blog!
I understand where you’re coming from completely.
Also, I am yes. I follow the path of a Celtic Witch. I love it 🙂
So well written. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Thanks. I’m not sure if it’s good that we understand the feelings I wrote about, but at least we aren’t alone.
We are never alone! At least I keep telling myself that in an OCD fashion. 🙂
Take care of you are keep writing. You have a talent. xxx
Two weeks ago I read a really interesting article pusblished in The Atlantic, its called Lincolns Great Depression, I found it quite encouraging and left me a big sense of hope, hope you like it!
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2005/10/lincolns-great-depression/304247/
Thank you so much for post. Wonderfully written. Congrats on being FP!
You’re welcome and thank you for the lovely compliment.
Sorry, I wish I could have a little mania somedays…..
Unfortunately, mania only comes with a chaser of depression. Sigh.